This summer feels like a dream. I’ve been so busy and occupied that I haven’t had time to think about the bigger things that have been bothering me. The things that will hit me when I wake up come September and have to face reality. Here are some of the questions I know I will have to answer:
Am I a shitty friend? I’m pretty sure I have friends. Some really close ones and come “surface” ones who I say hello to and make small talk but will never really know or want to know me. Thinking about it, the only close friends that I have are the ones who have made a sincere effort to connect with me and stay close to me. It’s the sad truth, I’ve never really made that much of an effort to stay close to people. Opportunities come to me and I take them happily because I’ve always figured that’s the way it should be: easy and effortless. But I guess any decent relationship takes care, attention, and effort to work and grow. (Like a plant) I don’t feel like I have any close friends at school. And I guess the reason is because I haven’t made that much of an effort to build those relationships. I don’t think I can survive off of only “surface” friends.
Am I afraid of love? I think there’s a huge difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. I’m not afraid to love someone but I am incredibly afraid to fall IN love with someone because I’m completely in the dark. I hate new territory because I don’t know what to do or how to go about. I think because I don’t know anything about being in love I don’t let it happen and replace it with something else. I guess the first step to being IN love is admitting it to myself, but I’m no where near ready to do that…
Have I started to settle for mediocrity or second best? Becca said something to me at the end of May. I had applied for three different positions: my summer internship, a school year marketing internship, and a club officer position and happened to get all three. I remember telling Becca after I got the last position and her response being, “Congrats Devs! I hate how all these things happen to you…” I didn’t know how to explain that things don’t happen to me, but I make a sincere effort to grab opportunities. After she said this I felt proud of myself almost like an over achiever. But I know I’m far from that. I feel like because of the people that surround me, I’ve allowed myself to settle for simply completing my work rather than putting in my best effort. People are so eaily impressed that I forget I have so much more potential and stop before I’ve reached it.
Am I competitive? This is something that has come up at work. Obviously working with a football team, I’ve surrounded myself with competitive people. A healthy competition to always want the best out of your work and using your collegues to find the best solution or idea. I think that competitive side of me has finally come out because I’m simply being paid to be my best. So I guess the real question is, have a shyed away from competition in the past? And will I shy away when I go back to the real world?
Just a few of the thoughts on my mind…
