I am grateful for all of the friends who I have that have been so concerned about me. It makes me feel like I am appreciated and that there are people who care. But the truth is, no matter how many people surround me and offer to help me I have to get through this one alone. I have to learn to become emotionally independent again.
Baby steps. For the past seven months I allowed myself to open up to another human being and become completely vulnerable. It took time to learn to trust but pretty soon I had let myself be open. I had learned to depend on another person and let myself because it was amazing. It was amazing to have someone else share my burden and support me in countless ways. It was amazing to have someone bring me my homework if I forgot it, or cook me dinner if I was hungry, or just love me unconditionally.
It’s just been a roller coaster. I could never understand girls who ran back to guys after a break up, or thought about him constantly or felt the urge to call. I just wanted to shake them and say, GET OVER IT! And here I find myself making the same stupid mistakes. Why? Because it is all emotional. I hate letting my emotions affect my actions. I hate that I see myself make stupid mistakes but make them anyways because I’m so desperate to not be sad. I’ve been going up and down, up and down from happiness to just complete sadness and hurt.
A friend sent me one of those sappy break up songs I would normally ignore : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk. But of course it’s what I’ve been listening to on repeat. I just feel so depressed and helpless praying that the words of Sara Even’s song are true: Even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger. The sad truth is even on the days I feel like I’m making progress I feel I’m back to square one the next day. I don’t know how to move forward when everytime I am ready to I find myself falling in the same trap and moving backwards because I’m so tempted to go back.
I didn’t expect things to go down this way and I never expected I would react this way. Time moves so slow and I just want my emotions to speed up.
