Even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger

May 23, 2011

I am grateful for all of the friends who I have that have been so concerned about me. It makes me feel like I am appreciated and that there are people who care. But the truth is, no matter how many people surround me and offer to help me I have to get through this one alone. I have to learn to become emotionally independent again.

Baby steps. For the past seven months I allowed myself to open up to another human being and become completely vulnerable. It took time to learn to trust but pretty soon I had let myself be open. I had learned to depend on another person and let myself because it was amazing. It was amazing to have someone else share my burden and support me in countless ways. It was amazing to have someone bring me my homework if I forgot it, or cook me dinner if I was hungry, or just love me unconditionally.

It’s just been a roller coaster. I could never understand girls who ran back to guys after a break up, or thought about him constantly or felt the urge to call. I just wanted to shake them and say, GET OVER IT! And here I find myself making the same stupid mistakes. Why? Because it is all emotional. I hate letting my emotions affect my actions. I hate that I see myself make stupid mistakes but make them anyways because I’m so desperate to not be sad. I’ve been going up and down, up and down from happiness to just complete sadness and hurt.

A friend sent me one of those sappy break up songs I would normally ignore : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk. But of course it’s what I’ve been listening to on repeat. I just feel so depressed and helpless praying that the words of Sara Even’s song are true: Even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger. The sad truth is even on the days I feel like I’m making progress I feel I’m back to square one the next day. I don’t know how to move forward when everytime I am ready to I find myself falling in the same trap and moving backwards because I’m so tempted to go back.

I didn’t expect things to go down this way and I never expected I would react this way. Time moves so slow and I just want my emotions to speed up.


No Such Thing as Destiny

January 30, 2011

Things I’ve been thinking about:

Destiny: I finally watched 500 Days of Summer and when it ended I chuckled and remarked, “there’s no such thing as destiny, life is a series of moments- coincidences.” Kenny asked me if I actually believed that the idea of “destiny” didn’t exist. I told him I believe we all create our own lives and futures and there is no set path for us. I think we make our paths by the choices we make. The things we can’t control, we can’t control and work with or around. The important people I have in my life I have because I choose to. I met them by coincidence and chose to keep them.

School: I’m getting to know this professor who gave me my first A in a math class. I complained to him about the lack of competition at Santa Cruz that I missed at MV. His advice was to continue hanging out with people like Ahil and JT who were also serious about school like me and know what they’re doing with their lives. (Or trying to figure that out, anyway). Though I am incredibly grateful to know these guys I still have to compare myself to my friends back home. My professors have told me I’m on the right track, very ahead and should slow down. But when I compare myself to my home friends I still feel 10 steps behind. I’m not complaining about this feeling at all because I never want to feel completely satisfied with my work. I know I can always improve and can always get better. Plus, SC is not the real world. And when I graduate I will be competing with the Penn, Cal, and Cornell Devina equivalents of the world. Not to mention the Alice, Olga, and Connie equivalents. I’m trying not to see my education as a drawback, but the bottom line is- it is. As hard as I work I won’t have the alumni networks, the recruiting opportunities, or the pretty school on my resume. I know I’ll do well, that’s not a doubt in my mind. I’ll be happy and comfortable but I’ll still be comparing myself to the same people no matter how well I’ll do. But I guess that’s a good thing. I think I’ve picked the right friends. I’ve always made it a point to hang out with people who are much more intelligent than I am and more successful. My dad’s favorite quote “You sleep with dogs, you’ll catch fleas.” I completely believe the opposite is true. There’s a reason I have standards and won’t settle for mediocrity. So thank you Penn, Cal and Cornell for making me drink wine instead of smirnoff and condom over pull out. It’s because of you all I won’t end up an accountant hehe 🙂

Relationships: Hot topic these days…. It’s amazing what love can do to you. It’s like alcohol- it impairs your judgement, makes you emotional and definitely not safe while driving (I almost killed Kenny). All those gross things I hate seeing couples do like hold hands on a bus, write on each other’s walls, v-day/ anniversary presents or silly pet names I find myself doing! (Except for the wall thing- that’s obnoxious- send a fucking text message) I know I’m not thinking clearly and making decisions I normally wouldn’t or impractical but I don’t care! I’m happy. I’m really happy to do all the cute things and have someone in my life who I am 100% myself around and won’t judge me no matter what I say. Even one of my best friends told me I could do better but I honestly do not care. Why should I drop something that makes me happy just because he’s not my usual “type” or doesn’t seem “me”. I think when you find something rare you hold on to it. And that’s what I’m doing. As gooey as it sounds, he takes care or me, looks out for me and treats me. People have asked me what we’ll do after he graduates but it’s one of the furthest things from my mind. Because we don’t know and we don’t care yet.

Quick Update!

October 24, 2010

I don’t know if anyone still read this- but I figured it’s time to slow down and reflect…

This quarter has flown by with the countless things that have been occupying my time: 22 units, CUIP internship, ISO core, and Kenny (who everyone finds facsinating).

22 units: I’m taking the usual classes that keep me on track for major. The classes wouldn’t be that difficult if I wasn’t having trouble focusing. I think I’m still in summer mode and am having trouble keeping my head in my book for more than an hour at a time. I’m taking good classes, but I don’t feel that drive and thirst for more that I did last year. Now it’s just getting the information that I need to keep up.

CUIP: I’m interning for the school of engineering at the “development and communications coordinator” (sounds way fancier than it actually is). My current project is to develop a “Young Dean’s Club” which is a membership society of young grads who donate small amounts of money back to the school. The project is brand new and totally MINE! Which means I can do whatever I want with it and am basically starting from scratch. I feel like I’m doing actual work- not busy work- but work I get to call my own. It’s brand new but I’m pretty proud of it. I’m required to take a class with other interns around campus taught by one of the Deans. It’s kind of BS but I can’t complain as the chancellor is paying for ALL of my tuition. I kid you not.

ISO Core: I could go on for hours about how what I love and hate about it, but bottom line- I can’t imagine not doing it. It’s nice to have some form of a social life. I miss event planning and doing fun stuff. It’s a nice release and the people are amazing.

And of course what everyone has been dying to hear about… Kenny (the boyyyyyy, oo la la…) I honestly don’t have that much to say about him. I thought maybe the reason I didn’t have anything to say when people asked me was because I didn’t like him that much. But after almost 1 month I know that’s not true. I’m so lucky to have someone special in my life who makes me so so so happy. He’s the person I can come talk to at the end of my day, the person who supports me, makes me laugh, appreciates me and I will never take for granted. It’s in no way perfect, but perfect is boring. I like being with someone who makes me feel good and is so different from me but at the same time thinks the same way. Weird. I now find myself doing all the gross couply things I used to roll my eyes at. I say “I’ll miss you” or kiss him hello, he’ll go shopping with me, or pick up my groceries (hehe he told me not to get used to that), I’ll help him pick out clothes…. yup! We’re one of THOSE couples, but no worries I’m still me bubbly as ever.

I’m very happy in case you were wondering. I’m being challenged academically, I’m learning new things about evberything, and I’m having fun. Things feel right.

My career, my life

September 6, 2010

I won’t apologize, so don’t ask me. I’ve been given a wonderful opportunity this summer an am taking complete advantage of it. I’m trying to get the most out of it because it’s rewarding, I’m good at it, and i love it. I’m passionate about what i’m doing and that’s all that matters. I come home every day exhausted and sometimes too tired to run to get froyo or get dinner with friends but who cares? Who cares because I feel amazing about what I accomplished that day. I feel like I did something real, that I affected someone I don’t know. That I did something I’m proud of and learned from it. Ya, I screw up with a lot of the things I do but I’m human and I’ve learned from all of those mistakes.

I feel like I’m finally starting to learn about myself. About what I’m good at and need to improve at. I’m figuring out what I actually want to do with my life. How many people can say that at age 19? How many people can say they are one step closer to finding what their passion is or what they are meant to do.

It is not “just a job” and I don’t care if I’m being paid minimum wage. It’s my career, it’s what I’ll spend a huge chunk of my life doing. Please don’t think for a minute that I am going to take that for granted. Don’t think my priorities are messed up because finding out what I’m meant to do and be in life is and should be my top priority. I’ve never put anything before my close friends and family and that’s not about to change.

Unless you’ve been in my shoes and had the experiences that I’ve had- don’t berate or judge my decisions. It’s not fair that I have to pay for doing something that I love and finding out who I am. Those are my choices, so respect them. I should have my choices more than respected- I should be supported and encouraged. Encouraged to keep doing what I love, to keep finding my passion and to keep finding out who I am.

I will not apologize for trying to build my career and more importantly, my life.

busy busy busy

August 19, 2010

Things I’ve learned this summer:

1. Celebrities are so beyond normal. Working with guys who make 50 million dollars and drive Escalades has made me get over the celebrity glow. I guess working behind the scenes of the 49ers has made me see people who are in the spotlight as less amazing. I’m not as starstruck when I see people in magazines or when I hear people saw Kobe in Disneyland.

Though I have to say, it’s pretty cool when Vernon Davis passes me in the cafeteria and asks, “hey, how’s it going?”

2. I have to careful about coming across as the “cute, innocent, young girl”. I think that i’m pretty friendly and when I meet someone new, especially in a work setting, I turn on my wide smile, laugh at everything and try to say something witty or cute. In my mind, I’m trying to make a good impression. But I think it can come off as very innocent or interested. Luckily I’m smart and have been able to get myself out of certain situations but I’ve only started to learn these lessons.

3. I HAVE to be busy. When I’m busy I don’t have time to think about trivial things or get upset about things that don’t matter. I think when I’m occupied I’m happy. As long as I’m doing something i love with people (that’s important) then i’m happy. I realized when I do enter the working world I have to LOVE what i do. It can’t be something I do just because the money is good or because it’s secure or safe. I’ll be doing it all week, all day, I better LOVE it and be passionate about what i’m doing.

I’m really proud of myself and all of the things that I do, have done and will do. I’ve worked in government affairs, worked with kids, have amazing forgiving friends who love how weird I am. I can talk to people, even when I’m scared, I think i can dress myself for the most part… I’ve picked my major, I’m almost done working with the 49ers (unfortunately), and I’m about to start a brand new marketing internship at school working with people who were once in the same place I was but have moved on to better and greater things.

I’m doing well, but I’m also happy I’m not satisfied. I know that doesn’t make sense…. happy I’m not satisfied? I want to be constantly challenged and pushing to the next level. I want to never accept what I’ve done and wonder what i can do to make it better. I think if I was ever happy with what i’ve done (completely, thoroughly happy) I’d be settling. And I don’t want to ever let myself settle.

Questions I keep asking myself

July 15, 2010

This summer feels like a dream. I’ve been so busy and occupied that I haven’t had time to think about the bigger things that have been bothering me. The things that will hit me when I wake up come September and have to face reality. Here are some of the questions I know I will have to answer:

Am I a shitty friend? I’m pretty sure I have friends. Some really close ones and come “surface” ones who I say hello to and make small talk but will never really know or want to know me. Thinking about it, the only close friends that I have are the ones who have made a sincere effort to connect with me and stay close to me. It’s the sad truth, I’ve never really made that much of an effort to stay close to people. Opportunities come to me and I take them happily because I’ve always figured that’s the way it should be: easy and effortless. But I guess any decent relationship takes care, attention,  and effort to work and grow. (Like a plant) I don’t feel like I have any close friends at school. And I guess the reason is because I haven’t made that much of an effort to build those relationships. I don’t think I can survive off of only “surface” friends.

Am I afraid of love? I think there’s a huge difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. I’m not afraid to love someone but I am incredibly afraid to fall IN love with someone because I’m completely in the dark. I hate new territory because I don’t know what to do or how to go about. I think because I don’t know anything about being in love I don’t let it happen and replace it with something else. I guess the first step to being IN love is admitting it to myself, but I’m no where near ready to do that…

Have I started to settle for mediocrity or second best? Becca said something to me at the end of May. I had applied for three different positions: my summer internship, a school year marketing internship, and a club officer position and happened to get all three. I remember telling Becca after I got the last position and her response being, “Congrats Devs! I hate how all these things happen to you…” I didn’t know how to explain that things don’t happen to me, but I make a sincere effort to grab opportunities. After she said this I felt proud of myself almost like an over achiever. But I know I’m far from that. I feel like because of the people that surround me, I’ve allowed myself to settle for simply completing my work rather than putting in my best effort. People are so eaily impressed that I forget I have so much more potential and stop before I’ve reached it.

Am I competitive? This is something that has come up at work. Obviously working with a football team, I’ve surrounded myself with competitive people. A healthy competition to always want the best out of your work and using your collegues to find the best solution or idea. I think that competitive side of me has finally come out because I’m simply being paid to be my best. So I guess the real question is, have a shyed away from competition in the past? And will I shy away when I go back to the real world?

Just a few of the thoughts on my mind…

Back to old me….

June 23, 2010

The week before I moved out I dreaded going home. I guess I had grown so attached to routine, my friends, my room, my dinning hall, independence basically everything I love college that home seemed so drab and dead. As we drove away, my dad told me human beings are not animals that are meant to change. We don’t like change and we grow so comfortable with they way things are. I had probably been home for four hours when I realized how much I missed home. Seeing 15 09ers at once made it seem like NO time had passed and I was in for a good summer.

I feel like I’m around winners again. When I left Cupertino I was leaving some pretty brilliant minds. Minds who left for Ivy leagues, other UCs, and and small liberal arts schools. People who never accepted second best or mediocrity and loved learning. There were a lot of things I didn’t miss like ridiculous competition. But I guess being back brought me back to the mindset of being high achieving and always going for what I want.

I scored an awesome internship this summer working for the SF 49ers. It’s sounds a lot cooler than it is…. I’m still opening mail. And I’m also the Marketing and Communications coordinator for the school of engineering next year. Which also sounds a lot cooler than it is. I’m updating their facebook and twitter pages, but I’m not complaining it’s an amazing opportunity. Did I mention it pays for all of my tuition next year?

Though all of these opportunities sound amazing, and at the time I thought they were pretty cool too, I’m still not totally satisfied. I think this is because of Cupertino. Being around high achieving people makes me remember that I shouldn’t be satisfied until I have reached my very highest. Which I know I haven’t. I still feel like I could be better at what I’m doing which is a good feeling. I never want to be satisfied or settle for second best.

It’s funny how backwards I feel from 2 weeks ago… we’ll see how I feel in 3 months…

And so it ends…

June 4, 2010

This isn’t really an ending post because nothing is ending except my first year in college. I still have a while to go, so I’m not about to start feeling nostaligc. When I think back to all of the things that happened this year,  A LOT HAPPENED… many things that I’m to embarassed to admit. But I have a good 20 to 25 exciting stories of weird things that happened. I went in totally blind having NO idea what would happen or what to expect. I just didn’t know and was scared shitless. It was rocky in the beginning as all of our college experiences had been, but I think i found my grove once Winter Quarter started. I made friends, grew attached to people and found out a little more about who I am and what I want.

I mad a TON of mistakes this year, a lot, a lot… And sometimes I made the same mistake again because I wanted to see if the outcome would be different. Though many of them were stupid, I don’t regret a single thing I did. Even though I sometimes get made fun of, or teased or have to ask myself what I was thinking, I don’t regret the mistake. I learned so much this year and now know how to go about challenges that come my way or get what I want. If i hadn’t made the mistakes this year I would have made them eventually when it was too late.

I let myself feel again this year. I know that sounds weird…. feel? I am a coward, I am so scared to do things out of my comfort zone and many times I let that fear take over. But I think I’ve just started to let myself leave that cacoon and feel certain ways. I have the biggest fear of getting hurt and used to let that get in the way of experiencing relationships. Of course I got hurt this year, a few times. But that’s okay, I’m fine with it because I think it’s better I get hurt now when I can bounce back and have other priorities. I think its better than getting hurt for the first time when I’m actually in love.

I have mixed feelings about next year. I have a tendency of letting myself get comfortable with what I have and shying away from change. I’m happy where I am right now and don’t know if it could be worse or better. Which is why I’m hesitant of taking the chance to see what it could be. I’m excited about my new opportunities and leadership positions for next year. I’m excited about where I’m living. I’m just scared about being alone… I like the people in my life right now and don’t want things to change. I’m afraid of losing people or people changing…

I hate living in the past, which is what I did for most of my first month in college so I covered my wall with pictures from high school. Yesterday I heard “I’m on a Boat” and was flooded with memories from almost 1 year ago, senior ball. I remembered rocking out and looking like an idiot with all my friends screaming at the top of our lungs. Though those were fun times I don’t wish I could go back. I’ve had some amazing times this year that I loved and wish I could go back to. But I don’t have to worry about that because I know there are many more good times to come.

Overall though, a good first year with NO regrets (except maybe a B+ somewhere)

I miss the rush

May 10, 2010

To much surprise I decided I wanted to be an economics major when I came to college. I know everyone expected me to study political science, get an internship in Sacramento and then go to law school. I decided against because I didn’t want to be a legislative aid doing paper work and dealing with unnecessary politics that I hate. I dealt with it when I interned for city council and could not imagine dealing with it in the California state government of US state government. That plus losing my interest in how democracy works I switched to econ because I felt it was so relevant.

Though I get econ and have already been given an internship to learn the practice and get a taste of my future career, I don’t get the same rush I got in gov team or opening a newspaper to find out what Obama’s new campaign strategy was. I used to get SO SO SO excited watching 60 minutes or reading Newsweek or following the Sotomayor hearings. More excited than waiting for gossipgirl or to go the movies. I just got this rush this excitment burst in me during campaign season watchign numbers or debates or hearings. I still remember everyone coming over to my house on tuesday nights for debate watching parties. I was probably the only person who wasn’t watching it for extra credit, but who cared!

I miss it so much and I don’t get the same rush when I read about the Greek debt or the EU’s bailout. I’m a little disappointed in my current knowledge of the Constitution.  I used to know it so well because we studied it non stop and I new every amendment that dealt with civil liberties. But when we discussed Arizona’s immigration bill in SUA and how it could possible be unconstitutional, I couldn’t remember what amendment we were talking about….

I want to get that rush and excitement back. Maybe taking another politics class is a start.

ahhhh i hate people!

April 4, 2010

I know, a pretty negative title. But I am currently very sick of people in general. I think humans are so bored that they have nothing better to do than create “drama” and unnecessary tension and problems. Or maybe it is society’s rule that we constantly have conflict.

Everywhere I turn (literally EVERYWHERE) I see people who are fake, or are talking about somebody, or just need conflict. WHY? WHY do you need to talk about someone when they are not around? WHY do you need to always have an enemy? WHY do you have to constantly complain? It’s EVERYWHERE!

WHY are girls so catty? I don’t think guys are any better, but every girl I’ve met has someone they do not like. Someone they have to talk about to all of their friends, someone to bitch about. UGHHH I hate it! I never felt this need to bitch about someone until recently because everyone does it. And the worst part is, I’ve started to see old friends start to adapt. WHY?

If you ever meet someone who is as sick of the gossip as I am, PLEASE give them my number!